Disappointment

My experiences are starting to weigh me down like a weight a bricks.

I feel like this picks away at me, lessening who I am and my integrity. I need support, and I must do everything on my own.

When will this stop? I don't understand how this is happening right now. I feel like less of a person, and not worthy for good things.

Ted talk: Shane Koyczan

They asked me what I wanted to be.. then told me what not to be... 
and I wasn't the only one. We were being told that we somehow must become what we are not, sacrificing what we are, to inherit the masquerade of what we will be. I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me. 

Too honest?

There's a fine line being honest, genuine, true to yourself.. and then also being critical, calling people out, and unnecessary...

This is still definitely something I have to learn... I'm not good at it...

The thing is.. I have a knack for being observant, and knowing when someone is saying bullshit.. particularly if they're not talking to me directly (because I don't have to worry about what to say and can just listen).

But sometimes I'm not aware of why it is that they are saying things... like the underlying need.

For instance.. I may be able to see that someone is doing the undercover brag.. and I'll call them out jokingly and say,  lol I think you really just wanted to mention that whatever whatever....

and they get upset about it.. because it's true.. But I guess the difference is... I don't think it's a big deal.. I mean everyone does it.. I do it.. but it really makes them upset to have someone see through what they are doing...

Maybe because not caring as much, comes with age... or being less worried about what people think when it comes to what I consider to be normal human tendencies.. I dunno.. not sure..

But its hurtful to people.. but I can't help it.. why? Why do I need to always have to point it out? That's not right either..

Its odd.. sometimes I'm too conscious and worried about other people over myself.. and sometimes I'm the complete OPPOSITE.. Why is that?

Day 14- Managing emotions

Today was difficult. I had a really hard time managing my emotions and comments. I felt feelings of irritation, frustration, envy, and annoyance. I felt looked down upon, talked at instead of with, and felt belittled. I have very low confidence. I do not tend to see myself as someone who has intelligence or ability. I also feel that I do not tend to get opportunities, unless I am handed to.

I have the urge to prove myself. But how can, if I cannot be given a chance on my own?

I am putting it out into the universe. I am asking the universe for this Talent Development Specialist opportunity.

I feel this fits me.

I believe this industry is the type that I will thrive in. I believe the job description is one that caters to my strengths. I am a true believe in development, and not training. I believe developing and managing ALL staff, and to provide opportunities to grow and thrive. I often feel that people use biased methods of identifying people to succeed, and hence develop, which subsequently leads to success for those people.

I believe if given the chance that I will excel.

Specialist for 2 years (29, 30, 31). Manager by 32. Director by 35.

I want the company to identify me as a talent individual with a diverse background, that can be grown and developed for the company. I am that person.

I am that person.

I am that person.

Please give me strength

Please give me the strength of clarity, intellect, and the ability to make clear connections with my thoughts to communicate with my talent acquisition recruiter. Please let me know that I can only do as well as I can, and that I must continue to work toward my goals. Please allow me to accept that I will be put on the right path, as so long as I am willing to put myself there.

<3 Namaste

Day 11: I wish

I wish I was taller, I wish I was prettier, I wish I was smarter, I wish I was skinnier.

I am grateful that I am as tall as I am, and not shorter. I am grateful that I am as pretty as I am, and not less. I am grateful that I am as smart as I am. I am grateful that I am as fit as I am, and not less.

<3 Namaste

Day 10: Believe

Do you believe in positive visualization? Well you should. But it only works if you don't have ass it. You have to truly believe you deserve something from the depths of yourself. Believe it, and allow it to happen.

<3 Namaste