There's a fine line being honest, genuine, true to yourself.. and then also being critical, calling people out, and unnecessary...
This is still definitely something I have to learn... I'm not good at it...
The thing is.. I have a knack for being observant, and knowing when someone is saying bullshit.. particularly if they're not talking to me directly (because I don't have to worry about what to say and can just listen).
But sometimes I'm not aware of why it is that they are saying things... like the underlying need.
For instance.. I may be able to see that someone is doing the undercover brag.. and I'll call them out jokingly and say, lol I think you really just wanted to mention that whatever whatever....
and they get upset about it.. because it's true.. But I guess the difference is... I don't think it's a big deal.. I mean everyone does it.. I do it.. but it really makes them upset to have someone see through what they are doing...
Maybe because not caring as much, comes with age... or being less worried about what people think when it comes to what I consider to be normal human tendencies.. I dunno.. not sure..
But its hurtful to people.. but I can't help it.. why? Why do I need to always have to point it out? That's not right either..
Its odd.. sometimes I'm too conscious and worried about other people over myself.. and sometimes I'm the complete OPPOSITE.. Why is that?
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Day 14- Managing emotions
Today was difficult. I had a really hard time managing my emotions and comments. I felt feelings of irritation, frustration, envy, and annoyance. I felt looked down upon, talked at instead of with, and felt belittled. I have very low confidence. I do not tend to see myself as someone who has intelligence or ability. I also feel that I do not tend to get opportunities, unless I am handed to.
I have the urge to prove myself. But how can, if I cannot be given a chance on my own?
I am putting it out into the universe. I am asking the universe for this Talent Development Specialist opportunity.
I feel this fits me.
I believe this industry is the type that I will thrive in. I believe the job description is one that caters to my strengths. I am a true believe in development, and not training. I believe developing and managing ALL staff, and to provide opportunities to grow and thrive. I often feel that people use biased methods of identifying people to succeed, and hence develop, which subsequently leads to success for those people.
I believe if given the chance that I will excel.
Specialist for 2 years (29, 30, 31). Manager by 32. Director by 35.
I want the company to identify me as a talent individual with a diverse background, that can be grown and developed for the company. I am that person.
I am that person.
I am that person.
I have the urge to prove myself. But how can, if I cannot be given a chance on my own?
I am putting it out into the universe. I am asking the universe for this Talent Development Specialist opportunity.
I feel this fits me.
I believe this industry is the type that I will thrive in. I believe the job description is one that caters to my strengths. I am a true believe in development, and not training. I believe developing and managing ALL staff, and to provide opportunities to grow and thrive. I often feel that people use biased methods of identifying people to succeed, and hence develop, which subsequently leads to success for those people.
I believe if given the chance that I will excel.
Specialist for 2 years (29, 30, 31). Manager by 32. Director by 35.
I want the company to identify me as a talent individual with a diverse background, that can be grown and developed for the company. I am that person.
I am that person.
I am that person.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Please give me strength
Please give me the strength of clarity, intellect, and the ability to make clear connections with my thoughts to communicate with my talent acquisition recruiter. Please let me know that I can only do as well as I can, and that I must continue to work toward my goals. Please allow me to accept that I will be put on the right path, as so long as I am willing to put myself there.
<3 Namaste
<3 Namaste
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Day 11: I wish
I wish I was taller, I wish I was prettier, I wish I was smarter, I wish I was skinnier.
I am grateful that I am as tall as I am, and not shorter. I am grateful that I am as pretty as I am, and not less. I am grateful that I am as smart as I am. I am grateful that I am as fit as I am, and not less.
<3 Namaste
I am grateful that I am as tall as I am, and not shorter. I am grateful that I am as pretty as I am, and not less. I am grateful that I am as smart as I am. I am grateful that I am as fit as I am, and not less.
<3 Namaste
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Day 10: Believe
Do you believe in positive visualization? Well you should. But it only works if you don't have ass it. You have to truly believe you deserve something from the depths of yourself. Believe it, and allow it to happen.
<3 Namaste
<3 Namaste
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Day 9: Living
Today I feel gratitude for good friends. Friends that are willing to help me when needed, to listen when I need a sounding board, and a shoulder for support. I noticed that with many of my friends that they are willing to go out of their way to help me. Every time it happens I feel surprised. I don't know why. But I am always immensely surprised, and immensely grateful. I believe this goes back to me believing that I am not good enough, not worth enough, to have good things in my life happen to me.
On my birthday, I wrote a status on Facebook talking about the gratitude I felt for the people in my life. My good friend Emelie wrote: "What goes around comes around, you are awesome!"
It's interesting because at first when I read the "What goes around comes around..." I felt immediate fear and felt ashamed that she was going to say that I deserved bad karma... lol
I find it strange that that's what I first thought and felt.
Very telling I believe. I have little self-worth. Little belief that I deserve good things :(
I need to work on that.
<3 Namaste
On my birthday, I wrote a status on Facebook talking about the gratitude I felt for the people in my life. My good friend Emelie wrote: "What goes around comes around, you are awesome!"
It's interesting because at first when I read the "What goes around comes around..." I felt immediate fear and felt ashamed that she was going to say that I deserved bad karma... lol
I find it strange that that's what I first thought and felt.
Very telling I believe. I have little self-worth. Little belief that I deserve good things :(
I need to work on that.
<3 Namaste
6 year plan; My plan
I am going to give myself until the end of August to work through this. A year to come to a realization of what it is in life that I want, what is likely to happen, and how long I am willing to wait.
I always put myself on the back burner. I put myself on the back burner, and I wait around, and I let everyone else's happiness and journey before my own.
These are things I want. I want to have a job I love, feel good about, and feel like I excel at it.
I like the idea of Talent Development.
I always knew I would work in media. I knew I wouldn't be a journalist, and I always thought that in some way I would be behind the scenes.. at first I thought it would be something like being a talent scout, but that never made sense. Knowing where I am now in life makes sense. This makes sense.
I knew I would be in the media world, I knew it would behind the scenes, and that I would be in a corporate big office. I would have a big desk. I always visualized this, I just didn't know what I would do behind that desk.
Now I know. I will become Talent Development Director for a major media and news corporation.
I want to have enough money to travel at least 2 weeks of vacation every year, go to a different country and explore.
I want to be engaged by the time I'm 31, and married by 32. Pregnant by 34, and children by 35.
2013: Now- End of 2013 I am by 29.
2014: Graduating from University; Have job; Summer 2014 will begin using work VISA (age 29/30)
2015: By mid 2015, my work visa will run out; Engaged. (age 30/31); Bali and Thailand
2016: End of 2016, Married; Tahiti; Morocco and Belize/Columbia/Guatemala/Hondurus. (31/32)
2017: (32/33): Save up money for 2 years
2018: 33/34: Become Talent Development Director at NBC
2019: 34/35: Have babies
Positive visualization. Know what you are worth, know what you are willing to give up, know how long you will wait, and know that you deserve to fulfill your journey.
I will give myself 1 year.
<3 Namaste.
I always put myself on the back burner. I put myself on the back burner, and I wait around, and I let everyone else's happiness and journey before my own.
These are things I want. I want to have a job I love, feel good about, and feel like I excel at it.
I like the idea of Talent Development.
I always knew I would work in media. I knew I wouldn't be a journalist, and I always thought that in some way I would be behind the scenes.. at first I thought it would be something like being a talent scout, but that never made sense. Knowing where I am now in life makes sense. This makes sense.
I knew I would be in the media world, I knew it would behind the scenes, and that I would be in a corporate big office. I would have a big desk. I always visualized this, I just didn't know what I would do behind that desk.
Now I know. I will become Talent Development Director for a major media and news corporation.
I want to have enough money to travel at least 2 weeks of vacation every year, go to a different country and explore.
I want to be engaged by the time I'm 31, and married by 32. Pregnant by 34, and children by 35.
2013: Now- End of 2013 I am by 29.
2014: Graduating from University; Have job; Summer 2014 will begin using work VISA (age 29/30)
2015: By mid 2015, my work visa will run out; Engaged. (age 30/31); Bali and Thailand
2016: End of 2016, Married; Tahiti; Morocco and Belize/Columbia/Guatemala/Hondurus. (31/32)
2017: (32/33): Save up money for 2 years
2018: 33/34: Become Talent Development Director at NBC
2019: 34/35: Have babies
Positive visualization. Know what you are worth, know what you are willing to give up, know how long you will wait, and know that you deserve to fulfill your journey.
I will give myself 1 year.
<3 Namaste.
Monday, October 21, 2013
One Republic- Counting Stars
I'm so into this One Republic- Counting Stars song right now!
<3 Namaste
Day 8: Wrinkles, plastic surgery, gratitude for life, meaning in life
This article/video has been floating around the internet for awhile:
http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me?g=2&c=upw1
Basically the video talks about a study they did in which expressing gratitude leads to happiness. I found this interesting for a number of reasons. I've been trying to change my own life lately, and to express more gratitude in order to gain a deeper meaning, and to achieve more happiness.
In the previous post I put up a link to the larger picture of a comic by Bill Watterson (AKA from Calvin and Hobbes). I'll link it again, and it pretty much expresses how I've been feeling.
Go here for the comic: http://imgur.com/r/pics/66DxiHX
I've looking at the wrinkles on my face lately (smiles lines.. no crow's feet yet! phew!), and I've been thinking about how unhappy I've been with them, and how I'm actually starting to get older. I then thought of a friend I have who has had plastic surgery before, and has commented many times that she's a huge proponent for doing all those procedures later when she gets older/now. Actually, if she has enough money now I've sure she'd do more than a few.
I was thinking about how before moving to California, I actually would think this is pretty shameful. It's really not the norm over there, and I don't know anyone that has had anything done. I always believed that there must something deep inside a person that needs to be attended to, if they feel they need to change who they are so permanently on the outside. Why is there such a need to conform so permanently to some societal pressure that will change as society changes?
But now that I've lived in California for over 4 years now, I've realized that I've become obsessed with the way I look, the way I dress, superficial things, money, objects, and have lost that deeper part of me.
I have become complacent about possibly doing something like plastic surgery. Does this mean I have become less judgmental and more open? Or does this mean, I have become more superficial and have lost sight of what's real in life? I mean, I understand that people have differing reasons for wanting to get things done, and of course there is a level of judgement in there. I recognize that. I recognize that I've far far far from perfect, and I'm trying every day to be better. But, I guess I'm putting my own stuff on them. Projecting on them the fear of not believing I'm good enough, and thinking that my reasons would be their reasons.
I used to think wrinkles were beautiful. Like badges of honour that life gives to us because we've lived. We've lived life.
But now I've started to believe wrinkles are terrible, ugly things. That there's a need to wipe out my life, those lines that life represents.
What does it mean? It is perspective? Is it loss of perspective?
Hm.
Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
<3 Namaste
http://www.upworthy.com/scientists-discover-one-of-the-greatest-contributing-factors-to-happiness-youll-thank-me?g=2&c=upw1
Basically the video talks about a study they did in which expressing gratitude leads to happiness. I found this interesting for a number of reasons. I've been trying to change my own life lately, and to express more gratitude in order to gain a deeper meaning, and to achieve more happiness.
In the previous post I put up a link to the larger picture of a comic by Bill Watterson (AKA from Calvin and Hobbes). I'll link it again, and it pretty much expresses how I've been feeling.
Go here for the comic: http://imgur.com/r/pics/66DxiHX
I've looking at the wrinkles on my face lately (smiles lines.. no crow's feet yet! phew!), and I've been thinking about how unhappy I've been with them, and how I'm actually starting to get older. I then thought of a friend I have who has had plastic surgery before, and has commented many times that she's a huge proponent for doing all those procedures later when she gets older/now. Actually, if she has enough money now I've sure she'd do more than a few.
I was thinking about how before moving to California, I actually would think this is pretty shameful. It's really not the norm over there, and I don't know anyone that has had anything done. I always believed that there must something deep inside a person that needs to be attended to, if they feel they need to change who they are so permanently on the outside. Why is there such a need to conform so permanently to some societal pressure that will change as society changes?
But now that I've lived in California for over 4 years now, I've realized that I've become obsessed with the way I look, the way I dress, superficial things, money, objects, and have lost that deeper part of me.
I have become complacent about possibly doing something like plastic surgery. Does this mean I have become less judgmental and more open? Or does this mean, I have become more superficial and have lost sight of what's real in life? I mean, I understand that people have differing reasons for wanting to get things done, and of course there is a level of judgement in there. I recognize that. I recognize that I've far far far from perfect, and I'm trying every day to be better. But, I guess I'm putting my own stuff on them. Projecting on them the fear of not believing I'm good enough, and thinking that my reasons would be their reasons.
I used to think wrinkles were beautiful. Like badges of honour that life gives to us because we've lived. We've lived life.
But now I've started to believe wrinkles are terrible, ugly things. That there's a need to wipe out my life, those lines that life represents.
What does it mean? It is perspective? Is it loss of perspective?
Hm.
Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
<3 Namaste
What herb are you?
I wanted to know what my favourite herb says about me, but I somehow ended up doing some other quiz instead. Here are my results:
You are intelligent and complex. You are both mild mannered and intense.You are passionate to the point of being overpowering. People can't ignore your presence.
You are always questioning and learning in your life. You're on a bit of a spiritual journey.You are drawn toward power and success. You are never quite satisfied with your achievements.
Here's a link to the quiz:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatherbareyouquiz/
You are intelligent and complex. You are both mild mannered and intense.You are passionate to the point of being overpowering. People can't ignore your presence.
You are always questioning and learning in your life. You're on a bit of a spiritual journey.You are drawn toward power and success. You are never quite satisfied with your achievements.
Here's a link to the quiz:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatherbareyouquiz/
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Roll off my back
Have you ever heard of the expression "Just let it roll off your back"?
I have, and I can say with almost complete certainty that I am not one of those people that can happen to. I am easy going, and I am sassy. But, I also think about things too much. I think, I reply, I analyze. Even when I know why people say things, and the reason for it.. I can't just let it roll of my back.
I'm trying to work on it.. but I've got nothing but time..
Does anyone else have this problem?
In an effort to think of other things.. I look at pretty things.
Welcome to my favourite clothing site: www.shopbop.com
On another note.. I don't understand how 1 t-shirt can cost so much!!!
<3 Namaste
I have, and I can say with almost complete certainty that I am not one of those people that can happen to. I am easy going, and I am sassy. But, I also think about things too much. I think, I reply, I analyze. Even when I know why people say things, and the reason for it.. I can't just let it roll of my back.
I'm trying to work on it.. but I've got nothing but time..
Does anyone else have this problem?
In an effort to think of other things.. I look at pretty things.
Welcome to my favourite clothing site: www.shopbop.com
On another note.. I don't understand how 1 t-shirt can cost so much!!!
<3 Namaste
Day 7: Fit body Boot camp
In an effort to remain healthy and fit this year, I have decided to change my fitness routine every month.
Monday, I will start one month of training at Irvine's Fit body boot camp. Regular price is something like 200 bucks, but I received a deal for 25 bucks.
Fit body has a variety of location across Canada and the United States. I actually did it about a year an a half ago, and I really enjoyed it, although I found it to be pretty tough. The sessions are only about 30 minutes, and they make you do short bursts of high intensity training that requires you to change exercises about every minute (depending on exercise).
Find the camp here: http://myocfitbody.com/irvine-fitness-boot-camp/
I really dislike the page.. It looks too gimmicky, and I feel it takes away from what the place has to offer.
The facebook page looks better here: https://www.facebook.com/IrvineFitnessBootCamp?fref=ts
Let me mention how much I hate running. I hate running.
<3 Namaste
Monday, I will start one month of training at Irvine's Fit body boot camp. Regular price is something like 200 bucks, but I received a deal for 25 bucks.
Fit body has a variety of location across Canada and the United States. I actually did it about a year an a half ago, and I really enjoyed it, although I found it to be pretty tough. The sessions are only about 30 minutes, and they make you do short bursts of high intensity training that requires you to change exercises about every minute (depending on exercise).
Find the camp here: http://myocfitbody.com/irvine-fitness-boot-camp/
I really dislike the page.. It looks too gimmicky, and I feel it takes away from what the place has to offer.
The facebook page looks better here: https://www.facebook.com/IrvineFitnessBootCamp?fref=ts
Let me mention how much I hate running. I hate running.
<3 Namaste
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Day 6: Hawaiian Spears
Today I received incased Hawaiian spears from Z Gallerie. They were on backorder, and my friend got them for me for my birthday. I've actually been eying these babies for over a year, but the price tag was too high for me to justify it. That being said, we happened to venture into the store one day just to browse, and a sales person accidentally put a sale price of over 50% off for them!! We actually didn't get them that day, but when we came back 2 days later, they were back to the original price. DEVASTATING lol. But then we talked to the sales people, and they basically said they would honour the price! SUCCESS!... and my friend said she would purchase them for my birthday!... and this is how my Hawaiian spears came to be in my home.
Today's word of the day is Gratitude. I must be more grateful for the things and people in my life, and make sure that I am always working hard towards the things I want in life.
Follow the link to get your own spears: http://www.zgallerie.com/p-10368-wooden-spears.aspx
<3 Namaste.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Day 5: Easier said than done
This whole new mantra of "Be better" is a lot harder than it seems. I'll walk around my condo and feel like I can maintain a new sense of self, a feeling of gratitude, and a new perspective (So new agey right? lol)... and then I'll walk outside my door and I'm around the same people and personalities that makes it so easy for me to step into the same shoes of the person I was.
It takes effort, and it was hard. I'm not gonna lie.
The other day I received an interview from a great opportunity, and I became instantly anxious and filled with the feeling where I just wanted to run away.
I realized something last night. I am afraid of success. I am afraid of success, and I am afraid of opportunity, even though I often crave it and complain how I never receive any chances.
There is a part of me that feels like a fraud, that I'm going to let people down, and that I'm not good enough.
There's another part of me that realizes.... I reflected last night about where this would come from... I thought about times when I was all of sudden surrounded with praise, or popularity, or success... and I hated it... well that's not really true. It's more accurate to say, inside I loved it, but I also wanted to avoid it.
When I was little, if 2 girls were fighting to be my partner during gym class, I would simply say, why don't you guys just partner up with each other? And then I was happy actually being the odd man out.. and I was fine.
I also realized... that whenever I was in the spotlight.. something bad would happen.. someone would try and humiliate me, insult me... anything to make me less than.. anything to make me shrink...
and soon I was filled with feelings of not being worthy.. of not deserving success...
It's interesting how experiences as a child follow us into adulthood.. guiding the way we live our lives.
My roommate got me this bracelet for my birthday. It's from Alex and Ani... this is purely coincidence, but I love it, not just for the looks, but because it says "infused with positive energy".
Get your own Alex and Ani bracelet here:
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/alex-and-ani-initial-bangle?ID=822909&CategoryID=3376#fn=spp%3D23%26ppp%3D96%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D%26spc%3D175%26kws%3Dalex%20and%20ani%20bracelets
<3 Namaste
It takes effort, and it was hard. I'm not gonna lie.
The other day I received an interview from a great opportunity, and I became instantly anxious and filled with the feeling where I just wanted to run away.
I realized something last night. I am afraid of success. I am afraid of success, and I am afraid of opportunity, even though I often crave it and complain how I never receive any chances.
There is a part of me that feels like a fraud, that I'm going to let people down, and that I'm not good enough.
There's another part of me that realizes.... I reflected last night about where this would come from... I thought about times when I was all of sudden surrounded with praise, or popularity, or success... and I hated it... well that's not really true. It's more accurate to say, inside I loved it, but I also wanted to avoid it.
When I was little, if 2 girls were fighting to be my partner during gym class, I would simply say, why don't you guys just partner up with each other? And then I was happy actually being the odd man out.. and I was fine.
I also realized... that whenever I was in the spotlight.. something bad would happen.. someone would try and humiliate me, insult me... anything to make me less than.. anything to make me shrink...
and soon I was filled with feelings of not being worthy.. of not deserving success...
It's interesting how experiences as a child follow us into adulthood.. guiding the way we live our lives.
My roommate got me this bracelet for my birthday. It's from Alex and Ani... this is purely coincidence, but I love it, not just for the looks, but because it says "infused with positive energy".
Get your own Alex and Ani bracelet here:
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/alex-and-ani-initial-bangle?ID=822909&CategoryID=3376#fn=spp%3D23%26ppp%3D96%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D%26spc%3D175%26kws%3Dalex%20and%20ani%20bracelets
<3 Namaste
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Peeling off the layers
The other day I took a yoga class. It was actually a free class at Core Power Yoga (they let you take any class for free on your b day).
The yoga instructor talked about peeling off a large sweater from her body, and she thought to herself what it would be like to peel off the layers of herself just as easily. The ones that we keep to protect ourselves from the people around us, the ones that grew thicker as people have hurt us and disappointed us.
But embedded in these layers of protection are our fears that we keep holding on to. This prevents us from letting go, and being free to grow and move forward in life.
I thought about this. What if I peel back these layers to find myself at the core, and do not like the person I find. What if I realize that inside I am angry in the core, that I am judgmental, that superficial things are things that matter the most to me. It would be easy if we could say that everyone is a good person at core. Perhaps we are... but perhaps we aren't. Who is to really say?
Find the yoga studio here: http://www.corepoweryoga.com/yoga-studio/california/irvine?=yelp_track
Find reviews for the yoga studio here: http://www.yelp.com/biz/corepower-yoga-irvine#query:core%20power%20yoga
<3 Namaste
Be better to live life better. Day 4
I turned 29 on October 14th. 28 did not serve as the best year for me. I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I lacked meaning, and I found myself wanting superficial things that used to mean nothing to me.
I have also found that I have been cruel this year. I have not been compassionate, I have not been understanding, and I have not wanted the best things for other people in my life.
This year, I strive to be better. "Be better" will be my new mantra for this year in my life. I want to live better and be better to myself, to friends and family, and to strangers in my life.
I will release anger and resentment, I will let go of judgement, and I will not let other people's projections onto me affect the way I treat them in discourse. I will let things go.
I cannot change the way other people will react, but I can change the way I react to them.
This will be my journey.
<3 Namaste
I have also found that I have been cruel this year. I have not been compassionate, I have not been understanding, and I have not wanted the best things for other people in my life.
This year, I strive to be better. "Be better" will be my new mantra for this year in my life. I want to live better and be better to myself, to friends and family, and to strangers in my life.
I will release anger and resentment, I will let go of judgement, and I will not let other people's projections onto me affect the way I treat them in discourse. I will let things go.
I cannot change the way other people will react, but I can change the way I react to them.
This will be my journey.
<3 Namaste
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