Day 5: Easier said than done

This whole new mantra of "Be better" is a lot harder than it seems. I'll walk around my condo and feel like I can maintain a new sense of self, a feeling of gratitude, and a new perspective (So new agey right? lol)... and then I'll walk outside my door and I'm around the same people and personalities that makes it so easy for me to step into the same shoes of the person I was.

It takes effort, and it was hard. I'm not gonna lie.

The other day I received an interview from a great opportunity, and I became instantly anxious and filled with the feeling where I just wanted to run away.

I realized something last night. I am afraid of success. I am afraid of success, and I am afraid of opportunity, even though I often crave it and complain how I never receive any chances.

There is a part of me that feels like a fraud, that I'm going to let people down, and that I'm not good enough.

There's another part of me that realizes.... I reflected last night about where this would come from... I thought about times when I was all of sudden surrounded with praise, or popularity, or success... and I hated it... well that's not really true. It's more accurate to say, inside I loved it, but I also wanted to avoid it.

When I was little, if 2 girls were fighting to be my partner during gym class, I would simply say, why don't you guys just partner up with each other? And then I was happy actually being the odd man out.. and I was fine.

I also realized... that whenever I was in the spotlight.. something bad would happen.. someone would try and humiliate me, insult me... anything to make me less than.. anything to make me shrink...

and soon I was filled with feelings of not being worthy.. of not deserving success...

It's interesting how experiences as a child follow us into adulthood.. guiding the way we live our lives.

                   

My roommate got me this bracelet for my birthday. It's from Alex and Ani... this is purely coincidence, but I love it, not just for the looks, but because it says "infused with positive energy".














Get your own Alex and Ani bracelet here:
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/alex-and-ani-initial-bangle?ID=822909&CategoryID=3376#fn=spp%3D23%26ppp%3D96%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D%26spc%3D175%26kws%3Dalex%20and%20ani%20bracelets







                  <3 Namaste